I'm No Whiz With Tools.

This is the boat and motor that generated this story of my mechanical genius. This time it's my children with me.

I'm sure you've heard the stories of fools and tools or the ones about bear cubs and boxing gloves. They've got nothing on me.

There are many things I may or may not be, but handy with tools is not one of them. My tolerance level for all things mechanical is very low. In fact,  I detest machinery that doesn't work as it was designed to do.

Mind you, me and tools are a dangerous combination. The height of my anger and frustration levels are off the charts when things stop working for no apparent reason.

I’m a 10-thumbed klutz when it comes to mechanical things and tools.

I buy a car, and it's expected to run. We do our part by getting oil changes every 3,000 miles. We take our rides in for scheduled maintenance, and put new tires on long before the need-to-do-so phase arrives. That means I expect the silly thing to work properly.

So one day last winter I jumped into what passes for my fishing car or hunting car (as the seasons dictate) and expected my battered old ride to move out of the way of the snow blower, and it wouldn't start. So what if it hasn't been started in a month. I demand product reliability.

I seldom really get angry but a personal weakness is when an expensive item stops working for no apparent reason. You've seen those film clips where a person takes a sledge hammer to his vehicle.

That could be me but I'm smart enough to realize my problem, and try to act my age and control my anger. But, the frustration level is always there, simmering just below the surface. I've never done anything really drastic or stupid, but the temptation is always present when mechanical items prove obstinate and unreliable.

I have an outdoor-writing buddy in Colorado, and he'd had enough of a recalcitrant portable computer. He propped it up on its back side, drew a red bulls-eye on the cover, and shot three rounds from his elk rifle throught it. It didn't help it run any better but now he know why it doesn't, and it releived his frustration level. He hopes the photos he took will help keep the other equipment in good running order.

I’d finally met someone who had the guts to do some of the things I wanted to do.

I told him I doubted his method of reasoning with electronics would prove beneficial in the future, but he's now content and a joy to be around ... as long as his equipment works as it should.

Never had the urge to be a shade-tree mechanic or a person who makes a living wrenching. I know what hammers and screwdrivers are, have a minor working knowledge of a hack saw and wood saw, but beyond that, my knowledge level for using tools falls apart. I suspect my knowledge level is on the same plane as my want-to-know level.

Once, far from port on Lake Michigan, the outboard motor conked out. My buddy didn't even know what a screwdriver was so he was of no help. We'd boxed a number of chinook salmon, and all of a sudden the motor died.

I was smart enough to have two batteries aboard. One to start the outboard, and another to operate my marine electronics and electric downriggers.

I knew it had to one of two things (hopefully): it was either electrical problem or we'd run out of gas. The gas was no problem, and the gas line from tank to motor was fine. I was getting a spark, but still it wouldn't start.

Stupid me, I ran down one battery trying to start the engine. Failing that because the battery soon ran out of juice, I switched batteries. That other battery soon ran down without turning over the motor. About now I was getting a little cranky and buddy moved away from me,

Now, I had a 50 horsepower Evinrude on the stern, and decided to try hand-cranking the motor.

Ever try to start a big outboard engine with a starter rope by hand? No?

Well, don't. I was in my 30s, in good shape, and began pulling. Then the rope would be wrapped around fly wheel (at least that's what someone told me it was), and it would be pulled again. Nothing happened. I thought I’d have a heart attack and die on the spot.

We drifted aimlessly along on a soft breeze as other boaters steered clear of us, apparently thinking we were fighting a fish. The engine sat idle, and we drifted some more. I thought about putting a line out, but we weren't moving fast enough to make even a FlatFish work.

No power meant the marine radio wouldn't work. Several hours into our drift, a buddy's boat was spotted and I waved him over. He came along side, and I explained our predicament. He asked about a fuse.

Fuse? What fuse? Boat motors have fuses? He explained that engines indeed have fuses, for what reason I've forgotten, so he jumped aboard, pulled off the engine cover, and showed me my fuse. You got it. It was blown. Why? I have no clue.

He jumped back into his boat, located his spare fuses, and came back aboard. He took out the bad fuse, put in a new one, and then he took something out of his boat I'd never seen in any motorized vessel.

A pair of jumper cables were attached from his boat battery to mine. I turned the key and the engine roared to life. It was an amazing thing.

This business of engines was all rather baffling to me. The lessons learned from that episode forced me to have the right fuses aboard, and when all else fails, check the fuse. And to carry jumper cables, and not be stupid.

The next day I bought a pair of jumper cables for my boat.

There have been numerous times when I could put a capital S on the word stupid because of some mechanical thing I did wrong. And some of those dumb stunts cost me plenty of fishing time and money.

There are other examples of mechanical things in my life that have gone wrong but I refuse to belabor my ignorance any further. I buy a car, and put gas in one end, oil in the other, and when the ignition key is turned, I expect to hear a running motor.

My boat problem was solved by someone else, and I suspect the car problem also will be fixed by someone else once we get it started and take it in for service. Chances are the problem is one of those head-slappers where I should have known what to do but didn't.

Duh!

Title: I'm No Whiz With Tools.

Tags: ((dave, richey, Michigan, outdoors, batteries, dead, electrical, fuses, outboard, motor, jumper, cables, salmon, stupidity))

Posted via email from Dave Richey Outdoors